I'm hyper-aware of my stomach. I don't mean like when you eat too much and are sickly full or if you're rumbly or have a tummy ache. It's more like if suddenly you could feel your earlobe. My stomach is sort of tight and...something else I can't describe. But I'm very much aware of it at all times. I feel precisely where Mr. b's own stomach is pressed against mine when we have sex. I feel precisely how my pants or skirts fit against my stomach whether I'm sitting or standing. It's kind of odd. Mr. b's theory is that I'm noticing the uterine muscles strengthening. I guess I need to read some more preggo-lit! I was talking to my friend Auntie G last night and I think she nailed it. She pointed out that a mutual friend and I have always been squicked out by the concept of having a creature growing inside you like some parasitical alien. Auntie G figures that I'm noticing the stomach/uterus changes so much because I'm subconsciously focused on that aspect of the pregnancy more than anything else. She's probably right!

My prenatal vitamins smell like vanilla extract.

Mr. b is totally obsessed with circumcision right now. He read a pamphlet about teaching your son to keep his weiner clean if he's uncut and Mr. b freaked out. Now he can't stop bitching about uncut cock to anyone that'll listen. We don't even know Junior's sex yet!

Or if it's twins. Part of me hopes that it is. I certainly have good odds considering my dad is one and my mom has twin cousins. And then I can get it all over with at once. Because I just know that Mr. b won't settle for an only child.

Week 10

Really? Week 10 already? I supposed that's right. It's Wednesday after all.

I think I'm starting to blur pregnancy symptoms with plain ol' real life crap. Maybe that's a good thing. I must be getting used to it. Am I ridiculously tired today because I had a shitty night's sleep or because I'm preggers? Did I have a shitty night's sleep because that just happens sometimes or because I'm preggers? Am I sneezing all the time because this building always makes me sneeze or because I'm preggers? I don't think it really matters that much. All I know is that I'm hungry all the fuckin' time.

I finally started reading some of the preggo-lit. My friend gave me her copy of What to Expect When You're Expecting and I figured out the hot shower/bath thing. The trick is to not raise your body temperature to 102° F and keep it there. So I should be fine continuing with my fiery hot showers since I'm never in there for very long. Of course I have to be careful with the new electric blanket that Mr. b got me!

My sister gave me some hand-me-down maternity clothes she got from a friend and that were supposed to be "professional". There was one cute dress. Sure, I'll hold on to most of the stuff as just-in-case but I really don't know if I'll be that desperate. Just because it's Donna Karan doesn't mean it can't be butt ugly. And who decided that pregnant women need shoulder pads?!

Mr. b and I stopped in at Hot Topic thinking of getting a onesie. My sister gave us back the R2D2 sweatshirt we had gotten our niece when she was a baby so it seemed like a good time to sort of begin shopping. We wussed out though and decided to wait until we actually hear a heartbeat. I sure hope they still have the adorable KISS one with Ace, Gene, Paul, and Peter as little teddy bears. They have the Darth Vader one on their website at least.

The weird-feeling of not-quite-sick still hits me most afternoons. Usually about 4 or 5 o'clock.

I had to keep taking breaks while doing the dishes last night. I needed to either sit down or bend in half or something. I told Mr. b that I was feeling icky, but it was a new kind of icky. Because it wasn't that queasy almost-nausea. And it wasn't the exhaustion. And it wasn't the faintness I had felt during choir concerts. It was somehow in the middle of those three, a sort of weakness. But it was different yet again from the weakness I feel when I'm low on iron. I was seriously apprehensive about safely remaining standing while I took a shower! (Then I discovered while showering that I can no longer pull my slightly bulging stomach in to approximate flatness.)

I find myself wondering if I should be paranoid about hurting Cletus the Fetus by doing random regular things. Like while present wrapping I found myself mindlessly drumming on my belt buckle. Does that jostle the creature inhabiting my uterus? What about super-hot showers? That's the temperature I prefer but I know that pregnant women aren't supposed to go into hottubs (and old wives tales also say to steer clear of taking baths.) I have a list of authorized over-the-counter medications but I guess these other things I'll just have to remember to ask at the next appointment in 4 weeks. Or maybe I should actually read that preggo-lit that's piled in the guest room--excuse me, the baby room. Mr. b has been studying up and already knows about stuff I haven't even heard of!

Spider bites. Spider bites! Not hives. Although "itching" is an official pregnancy symptom. Apparently spider bites only ever show up on one family member ("because you're sweeter!") and new ones appear overnight. So now I have to tear apart the bedding and buy some kind of bug killing spray crap to put on the bed frame. Joy. And now Mr. b will never ever stop singing that Flaming Lips song.

We got loaded down with all kinds of preggo-lit at the nurse's session. Mr. b was really into the in untero pictures in one of the magazines. We also got a free sleek black diaper bag which is pretty cool. Although I admit to seeing one on TV this morning that I actually want--it's red satin and has a lovely bamboo pattern embroidered on it. Yep, my life is now reduced to finding groovy diaper bags. Sigh. Anyway, it was all rather uneventful except for having to give them written permission to test for HIV. I swear I've been tested before, like years ago back when Mr. b and I had first started dating, but it still makes me nervous.

Since the doctor was on a delivery I killed time in the lab by peeing in a cup again and getting blood drawn. The blood tech chick was awesome! She totally has the Midas Touch (tm Mr. b). I like our new doc. She's really into being a family practitioner and to me, that seems the most logical way to use your clinic. After giving me the frickin' fastest pap ever (AWESOME!) she tried to pick up the baby's heartbeat. Heartbeat?! Already?! I'm kinda glad it was just a bit too early to find it. I need to prepare for that eventuality. That'll make it Real. Although it seems more and more real as each day comes. Each Wednesday I'm officially another week along so I'm at 9 weeks now. And I've gained 3 pounds since the confirmation appointment.

I am so going to be a stomach holder. I predicted this about myself long ago but it's already happening. I caught myself rubbing my only faintly queasy-feeling tummy as I walked through the skyways this morning.

And I'm already getting up to pee in the middle of the night. Every night. Between 2 and 3:30. I can't imagine what I'll be like when my bladder is squished even smaller.

This afternoon is the first official Ob appointment. First I have to "register" with the nurses. Apparently besides the paperwork there will be much Q&A. Mr. b is excited to show off all his knowledge gleaned from his World Book CDs. And then I meet with my doctor. I hope she's nice. I kinda picked her at random. Well, I know this one broad who liked her so slightly more than regular random. I don't know what kind of a work-up I'm going to get. I imagine they need some base-line info. I'm curious about my iron levels. The confirmation doctor, the one that gave me the prenatals, told me to stop taking my normal 65 mg of iron twice a day. So I want to know if my stores have gone down. Stupid anemia.

"You know the baby's healthy when you're feeling sick."
"So the baby wasn't healthy the past three days when I was feeling fine?"
I met this woman at the holiday party on Saturday night. She pretty much did everything I despise when it comes to a stranger learning that I'm preggo. Listen up lady, just because things went a certain way for you doesn't mean that that's the way it has always been since the beginning of time and every woman yet to come will feel and react precisely the same as you did. I finally got condescending with her, patted her on the shoulder, and snottily said, "Everybody is different. Just because you were sick everyday doesn't mean that I'm going to suddenly stop being sick only sporadically instead." And then I left the room.

There was a brand new mom at that same party (husband had the one month old in a Baby Bjorn and everything!) and she was as exact an opposite as Expert!Mom as you could find. She was relaxed, understood that the way things went for her isn't the universal norm, gave actually useful advice, was nice. I know it all comes down to personality types but I just had a low tolerance for crap that night. Because it was a sick day for me that day. I felt like shit all day but still went to the party.

Of course at the holiday party the night before I felt awesome. My stamina is already severly reduced (I think that's what was killing me with choir this season) but I still danced my ass off! The only part that sucked was the drunk college girls. But they always suck, pregnant or not. I just tried to stay out of reach of their flailing arms clutching lit cigarettes. Being at a party and not smoking was really hard for me last weekend but I totally didn't miss it this weekend. Hopefully this means I'll be able to keep up the quitting after the baby, like Mr. b's aunt. And not go back to smoking right away afterwards like his mom.

Holy crap these prenatal vitamins are huge! Thank god I've never had trouble taking pills or I'd be so screwed.

My best friend from high school called me last night after hearing of my gravid nature. It was so good to hear her voice. I had been wondering about her since we're twinned in so many aspects like our names, star signs, wedding anniversaries. Turns out she started worrying, too, when she learned I was knocked up! She really set my mind at ease over two of the post-pregnancy decisions I had some concerns over. I don't believe in organized religion and never know how to answer the question for my own damn self when someone asks my spiritual beliefs. So how do you raise a child? My intellectual answer has been to simply expose the child, on a regular weekly basis (say...Sunday morning?), to aspects of all the world religions, dead and current, mythologies and fairy tales. These fables teach the morals that Sunday School and sermons give you without having the burden of so much false dogma to wade through. Talking through this with her made me realise that not only is this plan doable, it really is the only kind and logical thing to do for a sentient being. The other decision I've been apprehensive about relates to religion: the question of baptism. I was resigned to the fact that Junior would have to be baptized just to appease the moms. (Thanks to AA, both dads are much more naturalistic in their beliefs as they grow older.) But I truly dislike going through ceremonies that I don't believe in. The empty gesture seems disrespectful--to the believers and their gods. Thankfully she reminded me of her mother's status of minister in a mostly disorganized religion. I can look forward now to customizing a lovely naming ceremony where Mr. b and I introduce our child to life, the universe, and everything. I just shuddered at the notion of someone saddling my flesh and blood with original sin when I think it's a load of hooey. This way it can be an amalgamation of belief systems, rather like our wedding.

Now that the choir ladies have found out I'm preggers they're being all over-protective of me. I had to skip the first of yesterday's two concerts because I was so dizzy the day before I didn't think it would be wise to push myself. It's the first time I had to play the pregnancy card. I didn't even have to use it to get out of litter box duties. Once Mr. b heard the doctor explain about the cat shit virus, he fired me from even feeding them! He's being very good to me and only slightly over-protective. Very good: going to the grocery store when I didn't feel up to that mission and then going back when he realized he forgot lunchies for me to bring to work. Over-protective: not letting me lick the envelopes for our Christmas cards so that George Constanza's financee's fate couldn't befall me. At first I was worried that he'd use up all his helpfulness by the time I actually need it. But everyone's been advising me to milk it for all it's worth while I can!

Thankfully I didn't feel sick yesterday or even all that tired so Mr. b and I could finally have sex again.

Confession: there's this one song in our choir set this year that's just overflowing with button-pushing, overtly maternal, Mary and Baby Jesus imagery. And it gets me every time. Seriously. I'm standing there singing "how can you measure the love of a mother" and tears start welling up in my eyes.

You can get morning sickness at any time of day, right? I'm going to have to sort through all of this pregnancy hearsay eventually. But I think I've officially got evening sickness. Last night Mr. b made a lovely dinner--pork chops, stuffing, and veggies--and I got through about half of it before the queasiness made me stop. So far no puking but I'm worried that'll soon change. It sucks to have the stomach stuff crop up so late in the day since that's when the extreme tiredness is hitting me, too. But I think (again, hearsay) that this junk goes away after the first trimester so technically, I just have to get through this next month.

When am I supposed to start glowing?

I am already sick of people telling me about all the horrible kid's crap music and videos I'll have to watch. Why will I have to deal with any of it? Most of my friend's kids, online and real world, have great taste in music and pop culture. Because their parents cared enough to raise them on the Beatles, Beach Boys, Star Trek, the Monkees. Not frickin' the Olson Twins. Take some time to guide your kids people. Don't tell me it doesn't help. Lies! I guarantee your kids wouldn't like that crap if you didn't buy it for them.

Apparently being tired all the time is a first trimester thing. I had been thinking I was just feeling the pre-winter solstice blues or something. I'm ready to fall asleep at my desk around 3 in the afternoon and I can't haul my ass out of bed in the morning for the life of me. If being preggers means more naps then yay! At least the previous two symptoms--hives and heartburn--seem to have gone away. I can't say that I feel 100% all the time. But it's not nausea, and it's not indigestion, and it's not a stomach ache, and yet it's not quite right. Can't put my finger on it.

Interesting fact I learned at the confirmation appointment last Friday: apparently the due date calculation starts from the first day of the last period. Not the period that never happened and made you notice you were up the spout in the first place. So I had been figuring I was 3 or 4 weeks along when I was actually 7. And I had been estimating a late August birth when my due date is actually July 28th. Subject to change.

At the party on Saturday night I met a mother-of-two about my own age. When she learned I was pregnant (boy, I sure had to get over my hang-up about announcing that in a hurry!) she did the typical shriek thing. And then told me she cried when she had learned of her own pregnancy. I asked, "Good cry or bad cry?" Seemed like a reasonable question to me. But she balked and looked at me funny and said it was tears of joy. My own feelings are much more complicated than that.

I was never the girl who played dollies and wanted to have lots and lots of babies the second I grew up. My Barbies were independent fashion designers, punk musicians, and--though I didn't know it at the time--lesbians. Coming to realize that I kinda, sorta, actually wanted to have kids has been a very long process.

The first indication was a change in my late-night-thoughts-of-horrible-things-that-keep-you-awake-even-longer. For me the typical direction was early widowhood. At first the sleep deprived exhibit of grief involved such rational plans of action as not washing Mr. b's pillow case so that I would have his scent with me still. But gradually I realized that I was more upset about the idea that I wouldn't have a part of him left. And my semi-conscious mind began to include a surprise pregnancy as consolation for my loss. I didn't want to have just anyone's babies. I wanted to have his baby.

I decided long ago that I will not have any major regrets on my death bed. I think that it is much more likely I could regret not having a child than having one. And logically, I've got this female body. I should use all its features. How can I completely experience what it's like to be a woman without going through the reproductive process? Hell, this could be my first time on the wheel as a woman so who am I to deprive my soul of that?

So, even though I technically want to do this, I view it in much the same way I viewed loosing my virginity. Ok, let's just get this part over with so I can get on with the rest of my life.

Tell Mom and Dad--check. We were unable to attend The Girls' holiday pageant thingie; I was going to tell them in person there. Actually, I'm kinda glad it worked out this way because I am dreading dealing with my sister. She's just going to be unbearable. Because now she'll finally have something that she did first and she can be the expert and blah blah blah. It's going to be hell. So I called Mom and Dad on their way home. Dad almost drove off the road. Mom was just as excited but in her cool, calm, collected way. When she was trying to guess the due date I reminded her that when I was a kid I was super irregular. That's why I went on the pill in the first place. Sure I had the exact same amount of time between periods after I went off the pill but two months does not a pattern make. Mom's reaction was, "You're a [her maiden name]!" That side of the family has always had a reputation for fertility.

Now I just have to tell my sister and my brother and his wife. I gave Mom permission to let it slip. I've been giving everyone permission to blab away! Really, the fewer people I have to come out to the better. Although coming out as pregnant when you're a grown up who's been married for years isn't like doing it when you're 14 and single. Everyone's really excited and happy for you and junk. It's kinda like when Mr. b's cousin finally came out of the closet and we all went, "Thank god you finally noticed!"

Man. I was supposed to have my confirmation/due date calculation appointment yesterday. It got rescheduled for tomorrow afternoon. I just wanna get this part over with! The real visits don't start until after this one apparently. Mr. b is betting Junior will be a Leo. My money is on a Virgo. I've always been surrounded by Virgos--even though there's not supposed to be any particular connection between that sign and Geminis. No matter what, it means a suckfest this summer. I'll be at my fattest during the hottest months. Yay.

I am already getting more used to the idea. Well not of childbirth. I'm still supressing all thoughts about that part of the process. One thing at a time. I'm not walking around in as much of a haze today. Although I have noticed that there sure is a proliferation in my awareness of a few things: pregnant characters on TV shows (Aeryn Sun, Claire on Lost, &c.), prominence of home pregnancy tests in Target (I found them quite difficult to locate way back on Monday when I needed one), and smokers. The last one is easy to explain. I'm now an ex-smoker. Or an almost-ex-smoker. I was always only a part-time smoker. So I'm still having a single ciggie every night. Last night's sucked real bad so the maternal instinct to atually quit must be kicking in.

I can't second guess my eating habits. Last night Mr. b and I ended up eating dinner at Embers (with all the old people). I had to keep reminding myself that no, I didn't want a steak and baked potato simply because I'm pregnant. I've always been a fan. And I'm anemic. And I'm very in tune with what nutrients my body needs based on my cravings. And I'm always hungry. Always. Maybe I'm just worried that I'll loose all that because of being preggers. Or maybe I'm worried that everyone else will forget that I've always been an all-day eater and think it's a new "eating for two" thing. God. Coming out as pregnant. Who knew this would freak me out so much? Hopefully Mr. b will make it easier. When he asked me to marry him he had already shown the ring to literally everybody so there was no one left to tell. He's already been broadcasting the baby news so I'll cross my fingers that between him and the grapevine, I won't have to come out to as many folks. Still got to tell Mom.

Well, I just made my first Ob doctor appointment. I called while at work and was trying to keep my voice down so no one could overhear me. I'm just not ready for the inevitable screeches from my female co-workers. I need to get used to this whole being knocked up thing first. I've been feeling rather bemused all day. I keep looking at myself trying to see if there's some sort of outward change. (Well, Mr. b swears my tits are already bigger but 1) there's not much to begin with and 2) it's probably just wishful thinking on his part.)

Theoretically pregnancy-related symptoms noticed to date:
near constant heartburn
hives--frickin' HIVES!!!

Oh crap. I'm pregnant.

Yep. It's real now. It only took about 10 seconds for the stick to change after I peed on it. Sure I waited the full 3 minutes but that was pointless.

I know I can't be the only girl out there that's not scared of the having kids but is terrified of the whole pregnancy and childbirth thing. So I decided I'm going to catalogue this process. Just for my own damn self to look back on. My head was swimming with things I wanted to write about last night but right now, I've got nothing.