Monday, February 16, 2009

Generations

Last week my grandma had a heart attack. When we first learned about it, things sounded dire. Like, time to make your travel arrangements and get bereavement leave set up at work. Partly that was because of the unknown. It wasn’t sure at that point if it had been a stroke instead. All we knew is that she had been found collapsed in the bathroom and had a severely bruised face because of her fall.

This Saturday my sister and I made the 3 and a half hour drive to go visit her. Grandma was out of the ICU by then. She’s in a transitional facility for another week or two while they evaluate her “life skills” and determine what level of care she’ll need. Despite the fact that she was in a great mood and totally has her sense of humor intact, her short term memory loss is undeniable. She will likely not be able to return to the senior apartment where she has lived independently since selling her house a few years ago.

All of this influx of emotions really made me think about how to explain mortality to Kirk. I can remember attending Grandma’s sister’s funeral when I was a little kid. This woman pretty much raised Grandma, who was the youngest of 11 and who lost her mother at the age of 3. I knew this great aunt was important to her and to my mom but I didn’t really have any memories of my own about her. So the funeral was just a fun event in a small town, at a little country church, with lots of random kids running around in the graveyard, not really paying attention to the grieving adults telling stories. Similarly, when Mr. b lost his one remaining grandmother a few years back, our niece, who was about 3 at the time, was having a blast, singing and dancing and being the center of attention.

It’s hard to answer questions like “Why did she get hurt on the inside?” without being a smart ass. But honestly, for a 90 year old woman, what other answer is there besides, “Sometimes that happens when you get old”? I don’t want to scare the boy but it’s the truth. Apparently Kirk told his daddy the other day that while he wants to grow up and get bigger, he doesn’t want to get old. He wants to be a daddy but he doesn’t want to be a grandpa. And maybe it’s just too far off in the future to imagine but maybe it’s because of recent events and topics of conversation.

Regardless, I’m glad that it looks like Kirk will not be attending his first funeral in the upcoming months. Sure, it’s unlikely that Grandma has another decade. But it’s also unlikely that this is the last time I’ll have gotten to see her. She’ll be able to meet her newest great-grandchild even if she won’t be around long enough for the little girl to have even a vague memory of her. Maybe she’ll even be able to receive a flood of visitors during next summer’s family reunion. And I’ll have a little more time to come up with an explanation for Kirk about why we die.

5 comments:

lap said...

I'm so glad your grandma is doing better.

Mummy Grabill said...

Bel - while I have no real experience with this kind of thing I'll tell you about a conversation I had with our neighbor's 4 year old boy. Shortly after his grandfather died we happened to meet in the back yard area (he always comes out when he sees my dog, Strider, outside). We were talking about what a good boy Strider was when he piped up with "you know, Strider's gonna die!" I didn't know quite what to say at first, I sputtered and said "well, yes, he will we are all eventually going to die" - which led to the inevitable and dreaded "why do we die?" question. I'm of course thinking, 'how the heck am I getting out of this one!?'!!!

I decided in the moment to go from a completely organic perspective, because I was completely unprepared and didn't know how to put him off. I talked about how all life on earth grows old and dies - trees, animals, people, etc. That we've lived so much of life that our bodies eventually get worn out cause we've done so many things with it. I told him that it's completely normal and natural and usually by the time that happens we are ready to move on because we've already lived so much life.

He seemed very satisfied with the answer - after confirming that he wasn't going to die any time soon (I confirmed that 'No' he's got LOT'S of life left to live) and we moved on. I guess that's from the perspective of a completely unprepared adult who didn't have a clue what to say!

In any case - I'm so glad your Grandma sounds like she is doing okay. It sucks when the bodies, or worse, the minds of our loved ones start to give out on us. It always seems unfair. Hugs.

superbadfriend said...

glad to hear your grammy is felling better
. Such wonderful news! :)

I have never been asked that question by a youngin'. I wouldn't even know what to say. I guess the truth as much as I can without scaring the poor kid.

((HUGS))

belsum said...

That's a great story, Mum! I love your explanation.

And thanks to all of you for the good wishes about my grandma. We should know more on Thursday about next steps...

Adoresixtyfour said...

Hoping the best for your grandma...