The preggo insomnia is really starting to take its toll on my mental facilities. I’m just barely holding on to a thread of rational thought today. I don’t remember the sleeplessness being so bad when I was pregnant with Kirk. Sure, it was difficult to get comfortable and I woke up to pee more times than should be allowed without turning into a punchline. But the straight up inability to stay asleep wasn’t an issue.
I’ve had sporadic random insomnia throughout my life. Usually I can fall asleep no problem but if I wake up in the middle of the night I can’t get back to sleep, often for a couple of hours. But I generally only woke up from a weird dream or an odd noise or something, and it certainly wasn’t common. Now I’m waking up nearly every night, either to pee or because Kirk’s demanding something from the other room. Even if I make Mr. b go attend to the boy, well, I’m still awake.
So then I toss and turn and my brain goes into overdrive and all my old tricks for calming my thoughts don’t work anymore. Last night was especially bad because a level of crazy got added. I don’t know if it’s hormones or sleep deprivation but I ended up bawling for nearly an hour. After spending an hour or so watching reruns of M*A*S*H. After gazing out the front window into the dark street. After restlessly flipping about from side to side in bed for an hour. I feel like a ghastly human. I was filled with so much self-loathing and pure hatred. The reason I woke up? I was sleep slapping Mr. b to get him to stop snoring. In my head I thought I was stopping him from spoiling me on episodes of Angel I hadn’t gotten to yet. He ended up moving to the spare bed in the basement. I just couldn’t shake the feeling that I’m a terrible mother. I spanked Kirk – in public – earlier that evening when he hit me in the belly at the store. And then when he stumbled and stubbed his finger while getting out of the car back at home I didn’t comfort him. And then when he was slamming the bedroom door against the wall, causing a doorknob shaped ring to be pressed into the wall, I grabbed his hand to stop him and squeezed too tight and hurt him. I’m a cruel and vicious person. What right do I have to bring another human into the world? How can I possibly be a good mother?
I also felt so alone. I don’t have anything in my life to identify me other than being pregnant. I have no hobbies. I have no interests. I have nothing going on, no plans or strategies. I feel like I have nothing to control. Everything is breaking around me. Our DVD/VCR has been useless for a while now. We watch discs on a Playstation 2 and just don’t watch anything on tape. Our new dishwasher still isn’t installed because the handyman keeps putting off the work. Our oven no longer works, the heat won’t come on, so even though the range top works we have to figure out if it’s fixable or if we need to magically find the money for a new stove. Our car is paid off but that just translates to constant issues, the latest dealing with tires. Our ARM resets next year and will we even be able to afford to live in our too small house with crappy appliances?
I feel this little girl squirming inside me and I worry about the pregnancy. I didn’t fret about that last time at all. But now each little abdominal twinge, each poo cramp or stomach growl, each time I don’t feel her moving (certainly not for long enough to be a *real* concern), sets me off on a bad train of thought.
I’m just so tired.
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8 comments:
OH BEL. I was crushed to read this.
Phone call coming!!!
I love you. You are an incredible humanoid. You really have no idea how special you are?
HUGS!!!!
Aww. I'm sorry. That sounds rough. I dunno what else to say except that you do matter more than the girl growing inside of you.
- You ARE a good parent. Trust me, I could tell you plenty of stories about bad parents. Kirk seems like a great kid.
- Kids are 'absorbent' when it comes to injuries. Yes, that is my official term for it. I consider it a great day if there is only one injury. Sometimes, you just can't comfort them. Too busy, too much else going on, or it just can't happen. But also, kids sometimes need to learn how to complain. What injuries need parental attention. Stuff like that.
- Spanking Kirk in public. What he did was bad. He needs to know that. I'm sure no one judged you. I know I can tell the difference when its an occasional spanking vs an all the time thing.
- Kids always love their mother, even when they hate them. My kids love me. But if they are scared or hurt, they want their mom, not me. Doesn't matter if their mom just ignored them, just yelled at them, just punished them, anything. They want their mom when its important.
Now to confront the no interest things.
- You are a great person. Okay, sure, I only know you through your interest in Jim and Pam, but its worth it to me.
You are always so encouraging with the reviews, and it makes me feel better about my stories.
PLUS, you've given me help with the current story (can I not make Pam get like this, it makes me too sad). So, that's something cool.
I can relate, well, not to the pregnancy related aspect of it, but trust me. I get scared and worried. I have daymares I can't shake off that bother me for days on end. I'm constantly worried about my kids, and even if I should have real kids of my own.
So I think what this translates in to is something like you ARE a good person, even if sleep deprived and hormonal. You ARE a good mother, even if you have an off day - to both Kirk and the little one inside of you.
You do have control over your life, even when it seems like you don't (I relate to this more than you know).
But most importantly, you are NOT alone. Never, ever. Even if I'm a thousand miles away, I'm still there for you.
I hope that made sense, I kind of lost my point about two sentences in I think.
Bel - ((((((((Big Hug))))))))
I haven't 'known' you long (how much you can 'know' someone from interacting on a blog?) - but I can say that you seem like a pretty cool person to me. The problems you see in your life right now will dissolve into the nothingness that they are compared to the wonderful things you have in abundance around you. I have a feeling that if you asked either Kirk or Mr. B, they would shower you with the love and kisses that you need to reassure you of your 'goodness'. I don't know of any better testament to a person's value than what their friends and family have to say about them - much more true the reality than our own bizzaro self-image . . . especially when ones hormones are wonky!
Feel better! Close your eyes, and meditate on the beauties around you. Starting first with the beauty of your own inner light and strength.
I was going to leave a comment for you last night to say that I spent a good portion of my evening free-time stalking, er, I mean catching up and reading your and Mr B's blogs (found by way of Lis). Unfortunately the dog needed let out and I got distracted, but the point is that I was going to tell you what amazingly fun, wacky, creative and super parents/partners the two of you make, to congratulate you on your daughter-to-be, and to lamely say hey, I'd like to be your friend. Now I read this and I want to cry!
I've been there -- in those mid-pregnancy blues/worries, in the I-think-I'm-a-bad-parent paranoia, and in the my-world-is-falling-apart doldrums. And right now I'm also in a flat out I-suck-and-am-useless kind of mindset right now. (I'm beginning to seriously wonder if it's a winter thing... like that S.A.D. sunlight withdrawal they talk about or whatever.)
This too will pass, my dear. You are an amazing person, with an amazing family, and you have so much to give to both them and the world around you. Sure, you can let these little things eat you up and keep you feeling miserable, but I think you're stronger than that. You're entitled to your soap box to vent all this crap out - you deserve at least that much. But I hope tomorrow the sun comes out and those tiny moments of happiness light the way to all the bigger things that really matter. That, and maybe a few hours of good sleep.
*hugs*
Oh there's no mind-race like the mid-pregnancy mind-race.
Try to remember to just take a big breath and let go of it. Be nicer to yourself. You are obviously a great person or you wouldn't be so worried about Angel spoilers for goodness sake!
You guys. Thank you all so much. I must admit that reading your kindness yesterday in my fragile state kept bringing me to tears. I am so much better today. Dinner turned out well last night - thank dog - and I went to bed about 20 minutes after the boy and fell back to sleep after each time I awoke and yeah. Much better.
Jess - xoxo, your phone call really made my night. It's always so nice to just hear your voice. Thank you.
EmH - I always really appreciate your insights as a professional childcare provider. It's a good perspective and one I really cherish. Don't feel any pressure to make Pam crazy like this in your story! :-)
mum - and here you thought you finally found an online preggie resource that didn't have histrionics and drama! HA! I'm really glad that your sister hooked us up. The internets are cool.
kate - I'm excited to have a new stalk-um, friend. Hee. Your son is adorable. Once again, the internets are cool. I'm glad that lis hooked us up. And through this all I was glad to be able to say that I did not write an article for the Forks Forum. HA!!
lap - Thanks doll. And the next time there's a big Jon party I'll have to actually come down so I can meet you. Not fair that the mister got to and not me!
Kirk and I finally drove you crazy. At least we'll be evenly matched with the girl. We all love you very much.
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