Whine, Whine, Crab, and Complain

Usually I go into a black funk about once a year and usually it’s in the dead of winter. One would assume that means that it’s a seasonal thing, lack of light and warmth and whatnot. But it’s lack of friends that does it to me. And usually the dead of winter is when no one is going out. The holidays are done, everyone is broke, but we haven’t yet crossed that line where we’re all so fed up with the snow and cold that we say Fuck it and go out anyway. For some reason that didn’t really happen to me this winter. Which is odd because this was the winter that wouldn’t frickin’ end.

But I’m feeling it now. And it’s not just a lengthy separation from humans that is doing it this time. It’s a strong feeling of actual betrayal. Like I’m not worth anyone’s time and effort.

I’m expected to go to people’s events. I’m expected to care about people’s stuff. And I genuinely do care and I genuinely enjoy attending! I don’t think I’m naively overestimating my importance to my circle of friends. I know that everybody is older and busier. There are kids and pregnancies and spreading families and business trips and health issues and family drama and people have moved away and there’s career focus and fame and chores and break-ups and new loves and yardwork and home improvements and trips and surprises and real life stuff that gets in the way all the time. I love seeing how everyone has grown. I love hearing everyone’s stories, good and bad. But why am I the only one listening?

I guess it’s the concept of a two-way friendship. Who’s doing all the work? Who’s making the plans and seeing them through? Who’s putting in the effort? If it’s always in one direction, then why is it continuing? And that’s what bothers me so much this time. If it doesn’t work out, great. But that also means it’s never going to happen. Because I’m the only one that’s going to set it up or go the distance.

Is that naïve? Is that bitchy? Is that realistic? Is that pessimistic? Is that haughty? I don’t know. Maybe I’m being an elitist and setting myself apart from everyone else. Maybe I’m feeling sorry for myself and being a baby.

There’s so much talk about how the internet brings people together. And I believe that strongly. I have so many wonderful friendships that would never have been possible without email and message boards. When I was little I used to long for pen pals. The internet has certainly provided them, domestic as well as international. And the US Postal Service can likely attest to the fact that long distance sharing and gift giving has increased with those long distance relationships. But what about the local ones? What about when you stop emailing friends and expect them to just read your blog instead? What about when you won’t respond to email and communication is relegated to blog comments only? What about when it’s just easier to send a text message instead of actually showing up? What about when it’s too much trouble to change your own plans to accommodate someone that’s coming a long way? The trick with Facebook and MySpace and everything else is that we’ve all become internet friends without meaning to. We don’t actually see each other any more. Most people don’t even use the phone.

I’m certainly not excluding myself from this behavior. I’m overjoyed when I find out someone will text me back quicker than call back. It’s easier. I definitely haven’t returned the favor for people that have made the effort, whether it involves travel or a trip to the post office. I blow off parties and shows and use lack of babysitter as an excuse when I just don’t want to put in the effort. And yet I still seem to get out. Sometimes more than people than don’t have kids as their primary excuse. So what does that say about me? That I’m better than everyone else and I deserve a medal? Or that I’m more desperate and I crave the company of fellow humans and feed off companionship to function? Are they the same thing? Should I just suck it up and get over myself? Do I have an actual legitimate grudge? I am actually pretty pissed. But I’m not very good at holding grudges. It seems like a good idea until I actually see someone again. Or talk to them on the phone. Or email them. Usually email. I live for email. It’s my fault I guess. One or two close friends versus a wide circle of friends of varying closeness? I like both options. I just like having friends. And I want to know where the hell they went.