Labor and Delivery

I need to get this down before it fades any further. I always thought women were bullshitting or promoting a conspiracy of disinformation when they said that you forget the pain of childbirth. But it's totally true! I can intellectually remember it hurting like a sumbitch, not thinking that it would ever end, being too tired to go on. And yet, it's like it happened a lifetime ago.

When I came home on Friday the 1st I took a nap. I dreamt about breathing to a count of 3. When I woke up at about 5:00pm, my contractions were suddenly extremely regular. But Mr. b wasn't home from work yet. I paced and danced and paced and danced and stretched and moved and took each one as they came. Mr. b got home about 6:30pm and I attacked him with an impatient, "I've been waiting for you!" He thought I was making it up. Even after timing the contractions (2 and a half minutes apart, about 40 seconds each), he still didn't think it was real. I wanted to go to the hospital. Obviously we didn't have a labor bag packed yet so Mr. b got that together and we got to the hospital about 8:00pm. The contractions were intensifying already.

Once I was registered and in a room, they had to put me on an IV right away. I hadn't yet had the strep (of the butt, frenchtoast(tm)) test and so they gave me antibiotics just in case. I wasn't too amused about not being able to be on my feet but they had to have me on a fetal monitor since it was early. I was already dilated to 3cm and 100% effaced. Mr. b asked the nurse if that meant I'd be having the baby. She chuckled and said yes. Then he believed it was really happening.

I dilated 1-2 cm every hour after that and the contractions got steadily more and more painful. For a while they were more bearable because I figured out how to relax through them (think of Kira Nerys) but that didn't last. I felt poop starting to slip out as I was starting to wonder how much more of this I could take. The nurse helped me to the toilet and asked if I wanted some Nubain to take the edge off. They could just add it to my IV. I said yes very quickly. That made it so both Mr. b and I could doze off in between contractions. I was dilated to 7 or 8cm at that point and just entering transition. There was a lot of "bloody show" this whole time but my water still hadn't broken. When the nurse checked me again it broke and came gushing out, very warm, and startled her. I was almost fully dilated, just a small edge remaining, but Doc hadn't arrived yet. It must have been about 2:00am at this point.

Then the urge to push came. I was told to fight it because of that tiny amount of cervix still not dilated. That was impossible. How do you fight an animal urge that basic? I had a vague recollection of Teacher talking about animals panting while delivering so I switched my breathing to that and clung to the edges of the bed. It was probably only 5 or 10 minutes but it was the longest time of my life. Finally Doc arrived, they tranformed the bed to traditional pushing position, legs in stirrups and whatnot. I had wanted to try squatting but was way beyond caring or fighting. It's not like we had a birth plan. We were supposed to write that out at the next Ob appointment.

Pushing really does feel just like the urge to take a giant dump. Only you have to push harder than anything you've ever done in your life. I kept shouting during each push and they kept telling me that I was wasting my energy. But I felt better yelling. Mr. b said that he could tell a difference when I didn't groan and I tried to be quiet. Doc said they needed to do an episiotomy and I cried, "I'm sorry, I'll push harder." She let me try 2 more pushes and then said the baby wasn't coming fast enough and his heart rate was slowing down so she cut me. Mr. b says that was the hardest thing to watch. When I finally felt too exhausted to push anymore, the nurse put my hand down to feel baby's head crowning. It was squishy and weird. But I somehow managed to find the energy to get his head out. Two more much smaller pushes and his body wriggled out. They put him on my chest and Mr. b cut his cord and then they went to weigh him and do the Apgar test.

I was for some reason really concerned about the placenta and asked Doc what I was supposed to do next. She said she'd let me know when to push. It was a very short time later and I barely had to push at all to expel the afterbirth. Then Doc had to sew me up and Mr. b held our son. It was all extremely surreal. And I was suddenly so hungry.