A son is a son till he takes him a wife, a daughter is a daughter all of her life.
~Irish Saying
I find myself thinking of this old adage whenever I deal with my brother. He has become the embodiment of the Old Testament directive to “cleave unto” your wife, to the exclusion of your birth family. And when I remember how close we used to be, and how unbearably awful things are now, it makes me worry about what the future may hold for Kirk. I don’t want to loose him just because he’s married.
It’s strange because I used to worry about ending up having the same kind of relationship Mr. b has with his mother. They love each other and get along with each other and get drunk with each other and are close emotionally, if not geographically. But they also have a time limit and with snip and snipe at each other if the visit is too long. Kirk and I definitely fit that pattern. We can already push each other’s buttons and already need to take breaks from each other and already just get annoyed with each other. But we also aren’t completely dismissive of each other’s thoughts and feelings.
Maybe it’s my lifelong fight against conformity that’s making the latest round of bullshit with my brother hurt so much? I truly don’t know when he became so judgmental. It’s frustrating to see someone’s previously open mind close so completely. I don’t think Kirk is capable of that kind of lack of empathy but I wouldn’t have guessed it of my brother either.
Here’s the thing. I think my kids are happy and well adjusted and I take joy in the little things in life. I let the annoyances roll off me more often than not because I’m too lazy to waste energy on them. I live in the present because I can’t change the past. I like to have fun. I used to have, hooboy, a different kind of fun before kids but that was before kids. Yet I’m not going to just close the book on fun simply because of being a parent. I make sure my children are healthy and safe and I include them in as many activities as I can because I want them to know what’s out there and I don’t want to shelter them unnecessarily. I do not believe that is irresponsible. I do not believe that makes me a bad parent. I do not believe that my doing things differently from how someone else might is cause for disgust and revulsion. And I do not want to be around someone that I know is going to watch and analyze and judge my every move.
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5 comments:
My dear, as I'm sure you're aware, as a parent, you can only do the best you can. Some things will be up to Kirk. Prepare him to deal with what life brings and trust him. Doing that is the best way to foster a son who is independent, confident, and loving.
And as another person who lives in the moment, I have to point out: you know worrying about what is in the future is not generally very helpful, right? ;)
No matter what you do or don't do as a parent, there will always be someone who disapproves or thinks you could be doing something better/differently. What matters is how YOU feel about how you're doing.
Hee! Yes, Anne, I do know that is silly. But hey, I'm not like worrying worrying; it just crosses my mind from time to time.
I know, A64. It just hurts more because it's family. Thanks for the kind words though.
You're doing what works for you, and what works best for you is best for your kids.
I need reminding of that all too often when I'm around my family as well. It hurts. I know.
People outside of your immediate family unit often judge too easily and don't understand (or forget) all the idiosyncrasies that go into the parent-child relationship. You've got a good thing going with whatever you're doing, so stick to it and block out the negativity!
Idiosyncrasies. Wow. That's exactly it. What a great way to put it. Thank you, Kate. I've got your back too sistah!
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